Everyone Experiences The Feeling of Being A Victim At Some Point
Anyone who embraces life with an open heart will sometimes feel like a victim. We all go through different aspects of being a victim in our life. It begins in childhood when we feel vulnerable and dependent upon others. Later, it follows us into our adult lives as we attempt to achieve our dreams, often in the face of challenge or, what can seem like, insurmountable obstacles. Essentially, we are faced with a choice of loitering in a victim mindset and buying into our limitations, or we can step into our power. That is to say, we become the victor, by choosing to move through this natural cycle as quickly as possible. This article discusses the source of this victim experience and 5 ways to let go of the victim mindset fast.
Let’s face it, we all have a moan and whine for a minute, a day, or even a few. It’s a natural feeling cycle we pass through when we have missed expectations. Everyone can allow themselves a little grief time or a moment to put their mindset back together and start again. It’s a moment where we can lick our wounds, reset and review our goals and dreams and realign. Then, most people just get back in the saddle and start again. It may take an hour, a day or a week or two, depending on what we’re reacting to and just how resilient we are. Obviously, it’s okay to visit that zone for a short while. Let’s call it the art of allowing.
To be clear, we’ve probably all done it, and we’ve probably all done it for a bit too long at some point!
What Happens When We Wallow For Too Long?
Needless to say, when we wallow for a long time, we can develop a victim mindset, or we can activate a previously suppressed victim mentality that was lurking in our unconscious mind. Effectively, we begin to associate with or attach ourselves to a victim identity.
A person with a victim identity is someone who has centralised their life experience around the crises, traumas, illnesses or other difficulties in their lives. When that focus is centred around the events in younger years, it indicates that a victim mindset was created as a coping mechanism or survival technique.
When this is present, or when we wallow in the pool of victim mindset for a long time, we become resistant to accountability and personal responsibility.
From this position we need to share our story constantly with others, joining together with other victims to validate their belief system. What’s more, people operating in this state often become paralysed by disengagement. Specifically, it’s easier not to engage, not to try, to remain static, than to suffer the consequences of disappointment.
How Is Victim Mindset or Identity Defined?
This study defines the victim mindset as “an ongoing feeling that the self is a victim, which is generalized across many kinds of relationships. As a result, victimization becomes a central part of the individual’s identity.” Those who have a perpetual victimhood mindset tend to have an “external locus of control”; they believe that one’s life is entirely under the control of forces outside one’s self, such as fate, luck or the mercy of other people.”
Curiously, the researchers do not equate experiencing trauma and victimisation with possessing the victim mindset. They suggest that the victim mindset can develop without experiencing severe trauma. Furthermore, experiencing severe trauma doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is going to develop a victim mindset.
There Are Many Contributing Factors
Actually, it’s reasonable to assume there are a plethora of variables impacting the development of victim mindset or lack of resilience. Like every other aspect of our psyche, we’re influenced by the environment, our family, community, friends, belief systems and values.
The researchers involved in the aforementioned study identified that the tendency for interpersonal victimhood consists of four main dimensions.
These are:
(a) constantly seeking recognition for one’s victimhood,
(b) moral elitism,
(c) lack of empathy for the pain and suffering of others, and
(d) frequently thinking about past victimisation.
The Indicator Of The Hidden Victim Inside
I’m personally interested in the concept of moral elitism. From my perspective, moral elitism generally stems from unresolved pain or disappointment in the past. What’s more, it’s often the indicator of a more silent victim mindset hovering under the surface. I worked this out when I found myself doing it! Ouch! That was a moment of facing my shadow and getting honesty-slapped in the face! Ha-ha!
Interestingly, we may not refer to ourselves as a victim and we may not even consciously consider our lives from this perspective. However, our thoughts, beliefs and behaviour may tell the story. A victim may believe that other people are luckier, more talented or better connected than they are.
The victim belief system reads a little like this:
- Life is a fight and a struggle.
- It’s not worth trying because I’ll just get kicked again.
- Humans are dangerous and life is dangerous.
- I can’t trust anyone.
- I can’t do it – so why try?
- Life is more difficult for me than anyone else.
- Everyone is always picking on me.
- Other people are more powerful.
Quite simply, it’s a STUCK state and the only way to get out of it is to WANT to get out of it more than you want to stay there.
The Role Of Victim Mindset In Society, Community & Family
The victim mindset tends to travel in groups. A family, for example, can carry generations of victim mindset beliefs and values, indoctrinating each child in the family with their victimhood training. Often this entire process is unconscious.
In fact, it’s no great surprise that even the most successful and accomplished people carry secret fears that they may become the victim of some forgotten past incident, perhaps they’ll be overshadowed by another or perhaps they’ll face a challenge that will reveal a past weakness. The vibration exists in all of us.
When we’re operating from the victim vibration, we send out a silent message to others that we are powerless, and that others are more powerful than we are. We ask for help and then imagine we must give all our power away in return for that help. It’s an ever-decreasing circle. Moreover, the victim vibration attracts likes and opposites. In a victim state we attract other victims (to validate and share our stories) and tyrants to fit our need for someone else to be in control. Interestingly, the victim can often become the tyrant for another victim, through natural tendencies towards manipulation. Often, the victim mindset can suggest to the individual that their life is more difficult than anyone else’s and compassion for others vanishes. It’s such an interesting paradigm.
So, the REAL question is, “How do you GET OUT of this situation?” Here are 5 ways to let go of the victim mindset and fast.
5 Ways To Let Go Of Victim Mindset And Fast
1. Acceptance
Going back to the ‘art of allowing’, it’s okay to allow feelings of disappointment, sadness or injustice to flood in for a short amount of time. In fact, it’s when we resist them or try to cover them over that they tend to fester and linger. So, take the ‘so be it’ attitude and write down everything you’re feeling. You may even want to ask yourself if the feeling seems familiar or links you back to another time or event when you felt the same. This exploration may give you clues regarding thoughts, feelings or beliefs that you’re holding onto and you’re ready to release.
Moreover, this practice of accepting our shadow self builds our resilience every time we do it. It moves us towards wholeness. When we can accept, free of judgement, we are operating at full power.
2. Embrace It Like An Actor
This isn’t as crazy as it seems! The fact is, if you’re going to allow the feelings, you might as well allow them in ALL their glory. Embrace them as if you’re playing a role and play them at 100%.
Get under a duvet, play those feelings out at top volume, as if you’re going for an Oscar, and something magical will happen. Either you’ll find the funny side, or you’ll become so bored of the feelings you just won’t have them inside you anymore. They will release and you’ll be left feeling either calm, bored, amused, frustrated or what may seem an anti-climax!
Next, whether the emotion is calm, bored or amused, you’ll feel a greater urge to move forward, to move on. In other words, you’re ready for something new.
If you haven’t tried this approach, it’s a great way to flush out any emotion we’d rather we didn’t have. It’s fast, effective and, even though it may feel a little silly, it creates transformation.
So, once you’ve won your Golden Globe, what next?
3. It's Time To Change Your Habits And Stop Telling That Story
One thing that often occurs in the victim journey is we bond with others on the victim path. We might meet up with them for coffee and discuss how terrible our lives are. In doing so, we find people who give us permission to live out that story and validate our own belief system. We may even go a step beyond and join a support group. Effectively, this is the ON STEROIDS approach to victim validation.
One thing that often occurs in the victim journey is we bond with others on the victim path. We might meet up with them for coffee and discuss how terrible our lives are. In doing so, we find people who give us permission to live out that story and validate our belief system. We may even go a step beyond and join a support group. Effectively, this is the ON STEROIDS approach to victim validation.
So, we WANT to stop telling the story. When people ask us how we are we WANT to express a long list of good things we’ve noticed and all the things we’re grateful for in our lives. We STOP telling the checklist that equates us to the powerless victim. Now, the challenge here is that we may suddenly find ourselves with no tribe, no group. This is a wonderful thing for several reasons. Firstly, it tells us we were deeper into victim mode than we thought and that by changing our surroundings, we elevate our thinking and our vibration. Secondly, when we get into the habit of telling a good story, we find other people on that vibration pretty fast. Newness enters rapidly and we find ourselves motivated to maintain the positive mindset shift. And finally, there’s nothing more motivating than noticing negativity in others and realising that used to be our behaviour to keep us on track. When we push back on an attempt to drag us back into the misery tribe, we feel that first rush of empowerment by saying ‘thanks, but no thanks!”
Redirect Your Mindset With Vigour & Find The Funny
Learning to redirect our mindset is hard. That’s the truth. Therefore, we want to be patient and kind when we’re working on this. How do you do it? By being mindful and present IN the moment. When we are fully present, we’re able to notice the thoughts running through our mind. We can hear them.
Therefore, when you notice a negative thought in your head you want to say “No, that’s not true” and redirect it to a positive truth. This takes discipline, focus and repetition. However, if you’re willing to invest your focus, you can retrain your train to AUTOMATICALLY find the positive viewpoint in one short month. Yes, really!
To make it even easier, engage your sense of humour and find a way to laugh at the negative thoughts that used to run free in your mind. Finding the funny supports us in moving to the higher ground faster.
If you’d like some support, listen to the RANTRA on the right for 30 days and see what magic unfolds in your life.
Engage In Activities & With People Who Are Optimistic
If you’re on step number 5 you’ve already made the shift. Now it’s just a matter of maintaining that mindset.
How do you do it? Get out there and learn something new that FASCINATES you. Find things to do that make you feel ALIVE. When you follow your passion, you meet other people who are doing the same and you can swim in each other’s enthusiasm! You may also choose to stop watching the news – it can put a real dampener on your spirit!
What’s more, the more you meet other positive and optimistic people, the greater your desire to stretch your goals and dreams even further. Taking action and personal responsibility turn from an allergy into a positive addiction. It will feel as if you’re running a positive experiment in your world – “What wonderful things can I create?” you’ll be asking yourself.
As you build your new world around you, you’ll notice that you begin to feel more at home here. Guess what? There’s also a test you can use to see just how far you’ve come. Reach out to the people that you rejected as you started to shift out of the victim mindset. Go and have a coffee with one of them or a group. If you can sit there, feel compassion, and free from rejection and irritation in their presence – you’ve done it. You, quite literally, set yourself free! Whoop-whoop – well done you.
Are You A Coach Wondering How Best To Coach Victim Mindset?
The simple fact is that people entrenched in the victim mindset rarely seek out coaching for any other reason than to prove there’s another ‘fix’ that won’t work.
As a result, it’s important to assess whether your client has a real desire to change. Even if a conscious desire to change exists, there are unconscious walls to break down and habits to redirect. This benefits from preparation in the coaching process.
This situation reminds me of a line in The Thomas Crown Affair. “How do porcupines mate?” He-he! “Very carefully!”.
Following that thought, if it’s a new client, you’ll want to agree on specific tasking and goals to be completed in advance of coaching and after every session until the behaviour changes. It’s important to set the boundaries and ensure they are met. If your client does not complete the tasking, the coaching does not progress until it’s complete. This serves the client by focusing them to engage and commit. Over time, you ensure you shift your coaching approach to become less directional or authoritarian. By encouraging the client to inhabit that space you allow them to step into their power. Additionally, it’s imperative you end the coaching relationship if the client becomes dependent upon the process or relationship.
Consider it a process of finding balance. Too gentle an approach can exacerbate the mindset by validating the victim story. Whereas, if we’re too directive, it can feel like another tyrant in their world and rejection ensues. Taking a calm, directive, authoritarian and kind approach is useful.
If you’re working with an existing client and they find themselves swimming in the victim mindset pool, a firm approach also serves them well. Firm direction, honesty and encouragement from someone we trust can support us in freeing ourselves from the quagmire of disappointment and melancholy that can accompany a short stay in victim mentality.
Find Out More About Working With Me
If you believe you might be carrying generational victimhood, buried deep in your unconscious, we can work on that. Coaching is an extremely powerful way to shift inherited victimhood. All you have to bring to the party is a DESIRE to release it. Want to arrange a call to see if we’re a good fit for one another? Please send me an email to sarah@sarahmerron.com.
Find out more about my NLP For Business Courses.
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Interested to discover more about becoming a coach? Learn more about NLP Training here.
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