When I train people to use NLP techniques in coaching, one of the most common questions of new coaches is “how do I maintain my own energy whilst coaching?” Essentially, they’re asking how to avoid getting caught up in a client’s emotions. Actually, we can learn how to use language to dissociate from emotions and judgement.
Managing Yourself First
The first thing to consider when you first become a coach or therapist, it’s a good idea to space out your clients with a 1-2 hour break between each of your clients.
Even though you’re confident with the techniques once you finish your training, it’s important to realise that no two coaching sessions are ever the same and as a result, this can be taxing on the brain.
Actually, it’s almost impossible to feel unconsciously competent at the very beginning so our conscious is always in checking mode. This, in itself, leads us to a place where we are continuously monitoring our client’s language and our own as we work to facilitate change.
It’s good to get into the discipline of writing down as much as you can of what the client says. This gives you the freedom to take a 5-minute break during a session and check you’re on the right track.
Therefore, when you first start, be nice to yourself and take one client at a time and schedule a maximum of a 2-hour coaching session.
Your Energy Is Managed By You
The next thing to remember is that we don’t actually take on energy from other people. What happens is that our energy changes based on our internal representation of exactly what is going on in a specific moment.
Hence, if we feel we’re unconfident about what we’re doing or that we have to be very conscious in order to concentrate then we boost or drain our own energy based on what we’re thinking in that precise moment.
Sometimes when we empathise with people our internal dialogue begins to think, “how would I feel if I were in that situation?” This triggers a whole host of internal representations, which, in turn, impact our energy resources.
Therefore, always keep in mind that your energy is controlled by YOUR internal representations rather than by another person. So, if you’re feeling tired, look to what’s going on inside you first, before you look outside.
How To Use Language As A Control
Next, we can use our language skills to resist the urge to jump into the client’s emotional state and serve them, and ourselves best.
So rather than focusing on the content of what the client is saying we can listen to the specific language they’re using and break it down into individual sentences or phrases. Once we have the phrase in our mind’s eye we can use all of our language skills to challenge the language patterns rather than connecting to the content of what the client is saying.
Being Specific With Our Questioning
Another top tip is to always use a “HOW” or “PROCESS” question rather than a “WHY?” question. Why unconsciously creates defensiveness in the client and a need to explain and justify with reasons. Whereas, a process question uncovers how the situation has come to be this way. Notice also that a “how” question also enables the client to dissociate from an emotional response. It’s a very useful approach to take.
We serve our clients best when we use precise questioning and then act as mirrors to the responses. By shining a light on the patterns and representations they hold unconsciously in their minds, we empower our clients with the most powerful learning, which they can then act upon outside of our presence.
In fact, when we coach, we’re looking to empower our clients with a new way of thinking that will create independence rather than dependence.
As a result, we use meta-model questions to drill down. We start by using Milton Model questions to uncover values and purpose. Next, we use storytelling and abductive language patterns to reframe the client to consider their position in a different context, or with different variables involved.
Language Is Like Mathematics
If we always aim to think of language in a mathematical context this also enables a sharp focus on the pattern the client is using.
Is the client saying that A=B or that A leads to B. Are they missing a representation of C, D or E in their model of the world? Let’s look at an example.
Example
A coaching client James is talking about his frustration about one of his employees (Chris) spending too much time to complete simple tasks.
“Chris knows the best way to do this – I’ve told him – so there’s no need for him to look for a new solution.”
This is an A=B statement. The word “so” is the equals sign between A and B.
Before we attempt to challenge the language pattern, the first thing we do is to try on the client’s model. Let’s look at a few options.
– Perhaps James might think that Chris is wasting time.
– Maybe James thinks that Chris could spend his time focusing on more important tasks.
– Might James might think that his way is better than Chris’ way?
– James might believe there is no better way to achieve the desired outcome.
– It’s possible James may believe that Chris is ignoring his advice.
– James may believe that Chris is incompetent.
Naturally, this is just a quick perspective and it gives us enough to work with.
So, let’s look at the sentence again and start to identify words we might like to question or challenge. I’ve highlighted a few we can challenge.
“Chris knows the best way to do this – I’ve told him – so there’s no need for him to look for a new solution.”
The Highest Level of Block
Firstly, we start with the highest level (or chunk) to challenge. This is the fact that James has stated that A=B. Actually, the statement is a positive A (he knows) = negative B (no need).
So here we go ….
Possible Responses:
Negative A = Positive B
“Would your view be the same if Chris doesn’t know the best way to do this or doesn’t remember what you told him and there is a need to look for a solution in his mind?”
Positive A = Positive B
“What if Chris knows what you told him and still thinks there is a need to look for a new solution?”
Negative A = Negative B
“I wonder what would happen if Chris doesn’t know or can’t remember what you told him and also doesn’t think there’s a need to look for a new solution?”
Let’s look again.
Focal Points For Solutions
“Chris knows the best way to do this – I’ve told him – so there’s no need for him to look for a new solution.”
Now let’s start to challenge the individual words and open James’ model of the world to the possibility of some C, D or E options.
KNOWS
“How do you know he knows? What evidence do you have? Surely, the fact that he continues to look for a new solution could mean that he doesn’t believe he knows the best way?”
BEST WAY
“What is the best way? How do you know it’s the best way? Could a different way exist that could be better and that you are yet to discover?”
THIS
“What is this specifically?”
I’VE TOLD HIM
“What did you tell him and when (time) did you tell him exactly? How do you know he understood or agreed what you told him?”
NO NEED
“How do you know there’s no need? What evidence do you have?”
NEW SOLUTION
“Has Chris said that he’s actually spending time looking for a new solution? What would it mean if he weren’t? Did Chris actually generate any new solutions? Would a new solution be a good or bad thing?” “What do you think the purpose of Chris looking for new solutions is? Have you ever considered looking for a new solution?”
It’s Your Turn To Practice
You can appreciate, I’m sure, the number of different ways you can challenge just one sentence by focusing on the language.
Now, apply the same rules to the next sentence yourself?
“If Chris continues to search for unnecessary new solutions then I may have to give him a written warning.”
This is an A leads to B statement. Just follow the process shown in the example above and see what you can come up with.
Have fun!
Find Out More About Working With Me
To find out more about coaching with me, or if you’d like to arrange a call to see if we’re a good fit for one another, please send me an email to sarah@sarahmerron.com.
You can book coaching online here.
Find out about NLP Training here.
If you’re interested in group training and coaching, you can check out my Farcical Life Programmes here.
