Cognitive dissonance is the phrase used to describe the state derived from holding two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes. Most frequently, when discussed, this concept links with ideas of conflict or feelings of uneasiness. What would happen if we started to perceive cognitive dissonance as a process of growth and development? For example, if we were to bring it front and centre into our awareness, could we use it to get comfortable with holding conflicting ideas or a tool to expand our consciousness and perspective? Maybe it’s time to make friends with cognitive dissonance.
In general, humans tend to love sameness and consistency. It feels safe. When we find ourselves in a position where we hold conflicting ideas in mind, or perhaps our behaviour is misaligned with our beliefs and values, we often lose our inner harmony. What if we could train ourselves to be at peace AND consider a full spectrum of ideas?
Celebration Over Suppression
The key to beginning the journey where we can make friends with cognitive dissonance is to embrace one of the key ideas in neuro-linguistic programming (NLP). That idea is “a person is not their behaviour”. Specifically, we allow ourselves to separate a person from the behaviour they operate. We acknowledge that behaviour doesn’t hold a certain meaning about a person, it is merely a process or strategy triggered based on a situation and the variables involved. How a person behaves is not who they are.
How does taking this perspective help us? We free ourselves to realise our behaviour is not our identity. Our behaviour is not who we are, it’s what we do. By separating these two concepts we feel more comfortable being curious about our behaviour and finding humour in it. As a result of both of these powerful reactions, we gain rapid self-insight and another step closer to understanding what influences our mind and whether or not we want it to. We move towards self-mastery.
A Higher Perspective On The Emotions
Whereas previously we may have experienced negative emotions after saying or doing something that is misaligned with our representation of self, we can use awareness as a tool.
Sometimes, when we’re in the process of changing our behaviour we become fearful of the reactions of others. We try to predict how others might perceive us if we react in a new way. What’s more, when we’re operating a new behavioural pattern we naturally feel a sense of discomfort, just as we do when we drive a car by ourselves for the first time after passing a driving test.
Before diving into a meta state, where we overthink or obsess over our reaction, we can notice the emotion exists and ask clarifying questions such as those listed below.
Useful Questions
- What feels uncomfortable about that for me?
- Am I reacting to a misalignment in me or someone else’s reaction?
- If my behaviour did not align with my values, what triggered that behaviour?
- Are my values still valid at this moment?
- Did I speak my truth?
- What stopped me speaking my truth?
- How is that behaviour not aligned with my belief system? How do I know?
- Is my reaction to my behaviour a habit or something else?
- What specifically caused me to do or say that?
- How is this situation really a problem?
- Could I be projecting a reaction on another person? If so, am I really seeing how they reacted or how I think they reacted?
- Is it possible I am trying to control the situation or someone else’s reaction?
- Am I reacting based on what I think I should do, or what feels right for me to do?
No matter what, cognitive dissonance is a powerful part of the growth and development process. That being the case, we can choose to dive in and explore it, or we can allow negative emotions to fester. Which path would you prefer to take?
Knowing And Not Knowing Is Never Knowing
Knowing and not knowing is completely separate from data. The power of knowing occurs deep within us. It’s a function of absolute alignment between our belief system and values, and our intuition. When we rely on our inner alignment to decide what is true and not true for us, we can accept the flow of ALL information and data coming towards us, without concerning ourselves with the labels assigned by others.
What’s more, enjoy engaging in conversation with other people who have entirely different ideas for us. We can accept that truth for someone else does not have to be a truth for us, permitting ourselves to enjoy the exploration of how an idea became a truth for them. We release any urge to convince or coerce others to align with our truths. We can simply enjoy the expression of the unique personal consciousness that exists.
If we choose to live a life of stillness, where we have no desire to purposefully evolve and grow, we will hold very rigid ideas of facts, truths, and not truths. We may live in the place we were born, surround ourselves with familiar places and people, consume the same media and enjoy the comfort of knowns. It’s a choice.
Conversely, if we feel compelled to evolve and grow we can acknowledge that what is true for us now, may not have been true for us before. In the same way, what is true for us now, may not be when we access a new perspective or new information that aligns. This experience frees us to notice that OUR truth is transient and facts are almost irrelevant or immaterial. Life is merely a sequence of experiences that trigger new perspectives and expansion.
In reality, we never really know anything!
Make Friends With Cognitive Dissonance And Notice Limitation & Influence
Simple truth: all growth frees us in some way. It frees us from some kind of outside influence, from a limitation or block in our belief system, or from our comfort zone. It’s simple, it’s just not always easy or comfortable in the short term!
The world seems to be filled with compliance. Compliance with society, family, company, safety, and more. So, what happens when we engage in behaviour that doesn’t feel right and yet we feel compelled to align with external expectations? It feels wrong, whether that manifests in fear, doubt, embarrassment, or something else. We might engage in a belief system or behaviour as a result of peer pressure, or we might feel we’re trapped between a rock and a hard place. Perhaps we do something we don’t want to do to avoid losing our job or upsetting a family member.
The result of that decision feels good or bad based on the priority of our values. For example, if we believe that a family member’s happiness is more important than our own, we may comply willingly. If we perceive we’re trapped between a rock and a hard place, we build resentment because we feel as if we have no choice. The likelihood is that neither of these situations is helpful unless we can find our ‘WIIFM’ or “What’s in it for me?” To make sense of our WIIFM we want to understand how we are choosing to compromise in order to find the benefit.
In terms of compliance, it’s becoming increasingly important to decide what we are willing to comply with and what we are not. As freedoms vanish rapidly, knowing and enforcing our values around compliance contributes to the freedom of everyone on this planet.
Influx of New Information
When we hold an idea as truth, and then we allow new information into our experience which contradicts that truth, it can feel uncomfortable. This discomfort may be expressed by justifying actions or behaviour or finding ways to discredit or ignore new information. What if we make friends with cognitive dissonance and take a different approach?
If we can train our brain to notice the discomfort and then really explore the new information, we pave way for acceptance or rejection based on our truth, rather than societal influence or a mere desire to remain comfortable in our known space.
As we step into a world supporting a greater level of ownership and self-responsibility we want to pass through the convenience mindset, where is simple to believe the first information we see on our handset. We want to honour our expansion by purposefully digging deep, observing patterns in the big picture, and testing everything against both our intuition and gut instinct, free from external influence. Only then can we know.
Parts Only Conflict In The Specifics
Have you ever been faced with a choice where both options feel equally appealing? Perhaps you’ve had to choose between two jobs or decide which car or laptop you prefer. In NLP, we refer to these two choices as ‘towards parts’; suggesting that both choices lead towards something you want.
Before making the decision we may procrastinate. We imagine that each decision will deliver extremely different results. However, once we take a higher perspective and appreciate the purpose of each choice, we begin to see that it doesn’t matter which choice we make since both will lead to satisfaction.
The role of cognitive dissonance in this situation can be helpful. It serves to justify our choice by creating a belief system to convince us that we made the right decision. So be it!
Awareness of this aspect of cognitive dissonance can support us to check whether those two choices are towards what we want. If you’re unsure, write a quick list of reasons explaining the benefits of each choice. Notice whether the phrases ‘should’, ‘must’, ‘ought to’ or ‘have to’ appear in your list. If the answer is yes, that’s a choice moving you away from what you don’t want rather than towards what you do. As we make friends with cognitive dissonance, we find the freedom to be curious about our choices and break down barriers.
Doubt Can Be So Balancing
There’s a fine line between trust and doubt. Trust itself, lies in our ability to have faith in something that we cannot know for sure, and yet we know it feels right inside. It’s a critical part of creating the foundation for our belief framework.
Since we live in a polarity space, trust cannot exist without the presence of doubt. The energy of doubt is a force that keeps our ‘id’ in check. It prevents us from demanding that everyone hold the same beliefs as we do and enables us to enjoy a comfortable connection with those who don’t share our values or beliefs. We can enjoy the idea that what we believe is right for us and doesn’t have to be right for anyone else.
If we can permit ourselves to get comfortable with the idea that we never really know, we can enjoy our growth and find humour in our patterns, habits and behaviour. We free ourselves of judgement and unlimit our potential.
How I Choose To Perceive Growth
There is always a light for me to stand in whenever I choose.
Whether that light comes from the bonfire of burning unwanted patterns, the lightbulb moment of an uncomfortable realisation, the light of the reflection of my lunacy in the moon, the light of my excitement or just standing in direct sunlight.
It’s all light if I choose to perceive it that way.
Your perception is your choice.
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